Chemo "Jones" Soto: our last hope?by Tito Armstrong 96
Picture the scene: a lush forest full of dense vegetation, laced with dangerous beasts and wild, tropical fauna. An adventurer braves the danger to search for an elusive creature which has a propensity to drain its victim's blood. Sound like a movie script? No, it is the real life saga of Chemo "Jones" Soto, Mayor of Canóvanas and part-time adventurer. Chemo has undertaken a quest to capture the Chupacabra before it sucks the entire animal population dry. In the face of Government paralysis, Chemo is the last hope of a desperate citizenry who have given up hope.
Chemo has assembled a crack anti-Chupacabra team and hopes to apprehend the beast sometime this year. He has devised a state of the art "cone-trap" which will no doubt trap the blood-sucking monster within the month.The Mayor's pleas to government agencies for help with the hunting efforts have been largely ignored but Governor Pedro Rosselló has wished him luck. Chemo, who happens to be up for re-election, is running on the anti-Chupacabra ticket and hopes to ride it to victory during the November elections.
For his third attempt, Chemo has undergone rigorous preparations in order to trap the elusive Chupacabra. He has seen all the Indiana Jones movies at least twice and was seen buying a leather whip at the local Sears. He had hoped to enlist the help of Toño Bicicleta, having to give up this idea when he was told that the former had died. For his elite posse of Chupacabra hunters, he has purchased state of the art weapons, at a special discount from guys at La Perla. He plans to enlist Walter Mercado as his spiritual adviser and will bring along a representative from EL Vocero, a newspaper known for its journalistic integrity and its low-key, "just the facts" reporting. His carefully detailed plan calls for the help of Papo Swing, who will use his face to scare the monster into a special "cone trap", which I believe involves a hidden net and a fully rendered goat mannequin filled with fake blood. Clothing for the posse will be provided by Clubman's safari collection.
Chemo has also prepared for the eventuality that the Chupacabra may be a vampire, since it actually does suck out the blood of its victims. He has bought a 12-inch crucifix and has eaten enough garlic to classify his breath as a lethal weapon. As a precaution, he will carry a water pistol filled with holy water.
Once the Chupacabra is captured , Chemo next plans to find out the true identity of Zuleika, the mystery woman of the Internet and another protagonist of Puerto Rican folklore.